unrequited, unresponsive, unhealthy: gotta have it

I find it amusing that everyone has a tale entitled: The One That Got Away, and many, many people blame their current misery on this phenomenon. I find it odd that rationally speaking hindsight is 20/20, but emotionally those early angsty feelings are so passionate that we attribute them with super human qualities. We allow these myopic memories to alter our present courses. I am no saint as I too have a sordid history chock full of unrequited love and wishful thinking.

I met him in the third grade, I was nine. It took little more than a once over to realize that I loved him; he was a skater, an individual, a comic, the nine-year equivalent to perfection, as far as I was concerned. (It was 1985 and he wore Vans, for pete's sake.) And even today, I look back upon my earliest memories of him and the third grader in me is blushing furiously, hoping he'll choose me in Red Rover. He never does though, unless bored.

By the time we were in hs I gave up pursuit, contented to be his friend and hang out with the same friends, but I never stopped believing he would someday want me. He always played my feelings to his advantage and strung me along. We even at some point became each others "back up," deciding at the old age of 17, that if neither was married by 30 we would get together then.

After hs, I got the hell outta dodge and our friendship suffered; I saw him randomly when I could be cajoled into coming home for a family event, he was always the first person I called. He never called me nor came to visit me and that hurt so I stopped contact.

At our 10-year reunion, I saw him again and I think it was the first time he initiated contact. All I know is that he bear-hugged me from behind and proceeded to get drunk with me, sitting next to me. Sufficiently numbed, he admitted (staged?) that he was disappointed I had gotten married, that we were almost 30 and it was supposed to be him, it was The Plan. I was stunned and although the almost thirty year old me knew it had all been a game to him, that he was disappointed in me only because I stopped pining for him, the nine year old little girl felt vindicated. Finally!, I thought, but what I said surprised even me, "The Plan? I had a baby with Crazy-Mexican and then met the love of my life and got married in four months, who just happens to be from the other side of the world. Does my life sound planned? I gave up The Plan a long time ago, it was too painful. Waiting for you to want me was too painful."

Excuse me for not throwing away a great life to be someone's doormat. heh.