Thursday, May 18, 2006

the childless breathe

I recently went home for a short visit and to drop off sassypants with her father. I never mentioned that part, did I. Well there was a Jerry Springer-esque period in my life and I had a baby with a man who tried to ruin my life. But he didn't, so the jokes on him!
Anyway. Zoli's not allowed back in the good ol' US of A yet (mauhahaha! sorry.) so sass and I braved the airways alone. We spent a lovely 2 weeks at my mommy's house and when I went to drop her off with her father, I was a blubbering mess. I said goodbye, sobbing and Julia said, "but mommy, I'ma just gonna be with my fadder." Her 'fadder' must have been freaked out by my crying as he quickly spit out, "I'm going to give her back! You know that, right?" I know. He may have wanted to ruin my life then, before her, but these days he maintains a fear of my brother! I love my family.
But I won't see her until July. Can you feel my pain? Or rather my guilt. That's right, I too have a life and as much as it pains me to miss all those irritatingly precious moments, I have a chance to breathe and god, I forgot how clean the childless breathe is.
I called her on Sunday, it was Mother's Day after all, and I spoke with her aunt until Julia could be coaxed to the phone. This is a verbatim transcription of said conversation:

me: hi george! it's mommy.
julia: hi mommy, i don't want to talk to you. bye.
me: what? ok. umm, bye. wait, i love you!

so, I'll try next week, the week after, and so forth until damnit, she wants to talk to me!

But now I must go load up on guilt; happy hour drinks!

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